Qin Qingyan, Don’t You Understand?

At noon, Li Xian came to visit Yan Yue again, and Qin Qingyan happened to be out.

She sat across from the hospital bed. After asking about Yan Yue’s condition, she steered the conversation toward Qin Qingyan. Her purpose was obvious.

“Before, I was so sure I was doing what was best when I made decisions for Ah Ruo and myself. But now, between me and her...” Li Xian gave a bitter smile and shook her head. “We’ve gone too far.”

She went on, “Maybe keeping Qin Qingyan away is for her own good. She has such a brilliant future; maybe she’ll meet someone even better. But good doesn’t mean suitable. Before, Qin Qingyan needed you. Now that your leg is injured, she wants even more for you to need her.”

Yan Yue looked down at her own legs. “I don’t want to become anyone’s burden. Anyone’s.”

“But Qin Qingyan would never see you as a burden. On the contrary, I can say for sure that if something really happened to you that day, the one who’d die would be both of you.”

Yan Yue smiled. “She really is a very good lover. Whoever she falls for, she’ll be good to them.”

Li Xian drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I can see it. Since you got together, you’ve done your best to take care of Qin Qingyan, so you know exactly what she’s like. But you’ve rarely been willing to let her take care of you. Qin Qingyan is always on edge with you; she’s constantly worried, constantly insecure. And yet she’s still willing. She’s given you one hundred percent of her love. How can you bear to push away someone like that?”

Yan Yue couldn’t bear it. She really couldn’t.

Qin Qingyan was too good, so no matter what name it was under, Yan Yue shouldn’t drag her down.

Not long after Li Xian left, Qin Qingyan came back carrying a lot of fresh fruit. From the moment she stepped through the door, Yan Yue kept watching her.

These past few days, she could clearly feel Qin Qingyan’s fatigue. Even when Qin Qingyan was smiling, the weariness on her face couldn’t be hidden.

And obviously, that fatigue had been caused by her.

“I bought a lot of fruit—mangoes, strawberries, bananas, all kinds of things. If you want any of them, I’ll wash them for you.” Qin Qingyan pulled over a chair and sat beside the bed.

That little patch of space had become the place Qin Qingyan spent the most time in every day.

“Aren’t you busy with the film crew? You’re in the hospital all day,” Yan Yue asked, taking her eyes off her.

“I’m not busy. Nothing much has been happening these past few months,” Qin Qingyan replied.

As soon as she finished speaking, her phone rang. Qin Qingyan glanced at it; it was Su Yan.

“It should be the takeout I ordered. I’ll go get it.”

“Qingyan-jie, I’ve turned down all the other endorsements, but TR’s is an international endorsement. It’s a rare opportunity. Could you still come by?” Su Yan asked.

“No need. Help me apologize to them.”

“You’ve already missed several endorsement appointments in a row, and no one outside knows why. If this keeps going, it’ll be easy to offend the brand.” Su Yan tried to persuade her.

Leaning against the wall, Qin Qingyan rubbed her brow. “Su Su, Yan Yue’s family is preparing to take her abroad. I’m going with them.”

“What?! Then what about your work here? And there’s less than a month left; the Golden Zhen Best Actress award is practically yours. Or you could wait until after you win the award and then step away. Quitting now would throw away everything you’ve worked for.”

Qin Qingyan gave a tired laugh. “I’m going in.

“Anyway, once everything is settled, if nothing unexpected happens, I’ll issue a statement withdrawing from the industry.”

The other end fell silent. “Qingyan-jie, have you thought it through?”

“Mm. Su Su, help me.”

Su Yan let out a soft sigh and agreed.

Qin Qingyan lifted a smile and went back into the ward. Yan Yue was looking at her phone; when she heard Qin Qingyan come in, she raised her eyes to her for a moment, then looked back down and typed a few words in reply before switching the screen off.

The message had come from Ye Bai. Qin Qingyan had canceled all her activities on her own and turned down every endorsement. That kind of behavior was basically destroying her own future.

Yan Yue understood. Qin Qingyan had decided Yan Yue was definitely going abroad, so she was planning to fade out of public view and follow her no matter what.

“Qin Qingyan, you’re almost twenty-three,” Yan Yue said after Qin Qingyan sat down by the bed.

The remark came out of nowhere, and Qin Qingyan couldn’t figure out what she meant.

“What is it?” she asked.

“As an adult, you shouldn’t be doing such childish things.”

Qin Qingyan fell silent. She didn’t know what Yan Yue was referring to, but the words still made her sad.

Childish? Childish, maybe. So what?

“Whether I go abroad for treatment or not, I don’t need you following me. I don’t need your company. Do you understand?”

Qin Qingyan was quiet for a moment. Then she looked at Yan Yue and said, “Whether your leg is okay or not, I only recognize you. Whether it’s in China or at the ends of the earth, wherever you go, I’ll go.”

“Qin Qingyan, what I’m saying...”

“Enough.” Qin Qingyan stood up and smiled at her. “It’s almost noon. I’ll go buy you something to eat.”

Before Yan Yue could say another word, she strode out quickly, afraid more hurtful words would chase after her. The moment the door closed, tears fell in an instant.

She pressed herself against the wall and swallowed back her sobs.

Yan Yue’s eyes reddened. She lifted the blanket, moved her feet, but there was no response at all. Even when she pinched them hard, there was still no sensation.

She hugged her legs. The moment her hand let go, they dropped back down at once.

Yan Yue gave a bitter smile. In a situation like this, where was there any hope of recovery left?

She shifted her body, letting both numb legs hang over the side of the bed, and braced herself with both hands. Once again, she tried to stand. Yan Yue’s eyes lit up, but very quickly, her body seemed to lose all support, and she fell back down as if she were suspended in midair.

When Song Shuxiao came to the ward carrying chicken soup, she found no one on the bed. Panicked, she hurried forward; only when she got closer did she see Yan Yue sitting on the floor beside the bed. Their eyes met. Song Shuxiao’s eyes grew hot, but she said nothing. She went over, helped Yan Yue up, and guided her back onto the bed.

“I made chicken soup. Drink some later if you get hungry,” Song Shuxiao said.

“You don’t need to bring me these anymore,” Yan Yue said.

“There’s nothing good to eat in the hospital. I’ll come by every day from now on; it’s not just for you. The child taking care of you has gotten thinner too.”

The mother and daughter had little more to say. Song Shuxiao looked at Yan Yue’s legs with a complicated expression, stayed only a short while longer, and then left.

She didn’t go back right away; instead, she waited in the corridor outside. When she spotted Qin Qingyan from a distance, she walked over.

“Auntie?”

Song Shuxiao motioned for her to lower her voice, then headed toward the end of the corridor. Qin Qingyan didn’t understand, glanced toward the ward, and followed with the wontons in hand.

“When I came just now, A Yue was on the floor beside the bed. She had fallen down,” Song Shuxiao said. “You’ve worked hard these days.”

Qin Qingyan froze. After that, an instinctive unease crept over her.

“I can tell A Yue wants to recover, otherwise she wouldn’t keep trying to get out of bed again and again. She’s just afraid she won’t recover, and in the end she’ll delay you. So I wanted to... ask you to stay away from A Yue for a while. Maybe then she’ll be willing.”

When Qin Qingyan returned to the ward and stood outside the door, Song Shuxiao’s words were still echoing in her head. Maybe she was right. Yan Yue’s rehabilitation treatment should start as early as possible.

She pressed down on the handle, set the wontons on the bedside table, and caught sight of the chicken soup Song Shuxiao had brought.

As usual, she set up the overbed table, untied the plastic bag, and the wontons were still piping hot.

She watched Yan Yue eat slowly. Neither of them said anything; from the moment Qin Qingyan entered until now, not a single word had been exchanged.

Just let this be one last attempt for herself. If Yan Yue still refused to accept rehabilitation training, then she would leave.

Thinking of that, Qin Qingyan swallowed hard. Once Yan Yue had finished eating, she cleaned up the leftovers and threw them in the trash.

“Rehabilitation treatment in China isn’t any worse than abroad. Li Xian knows an expert in this area who can help as much as possible with recovery.” Qin Qingyan didn’t dare look at her.

Yan Yue looked at the figure before her, head bowed and speaking carefully. In that instant, she felt as though Qin Qingyan had become very fragile; the pain brought by the car accident seemed to have fallen onto her shoulders as well.

Qin Qingyan, why are you staying by my side so foolishly? But the more Yan Yue hurt for her, the sharper her own words became.

“Qin Qingyan, is what I said not clear enough? Don’t you understand?”

“The doctor said there’s a chance...”

“So what? Spend a few years in exchange for a ten or twenty percent chance?” Yan Yue drew in a breath. “I don’t need it.”

“Yan Yue...”

There was tenderness in Yan Yue’s eyes, but what came out of her mouth was painfully cutting. “If you want a healthy lover, go find the one you want. I’m not that person, so don’t keep bringing up rehabilitation in front of me, understand? You’re not bound to me either.”

Qin Qingyan’s eyes turned red. A smile pulled at her lips as she looked at Yan Yue. “Okay. I won’t mention it again.”

She stood, walked closer, and bent down to press a gentle kiss to Yan Yue’s lips. After a brief pause, Yan Yue closed her eyes too.

They couldn’t tell whose tears they were; they slid down onto their lips, bitterly salty.

Not long after, Qin Qingyan turned away. Before Yan Yue could make out the expression on her face, she grabbed any fruit from the bedside and headed into the bathroom. “I’ll wash this.”

Yan Yue wiped away the tear tracks on her face and steadied her breathing. The sound of the tap was loud. She listened quietly, but then caught a few muffled sobs slipping through.

Qin Qingyan, you idiot...

No one knew how much time had passed before the water finally stopped. Qin Qingyan came out smiling, placed the freshly washed fruit on a plate, and set it down.

That smile was just like always, as if Yan Yue had never been hurt, as if she had never heard those sharp words.

“They’re fresh. Want some?” Qin Qingyan asked.

Yan Yue looked at the strawberries wet with water, then shifted her gaze to Qin Qingyan’s hand. She should refuse. She should make Qin Qingyan give up.

She didn’t deserve this.

And yet, she still couldn’t resist reaching out.

Yan Yue understood. Forget losing sensation; even if both of her legs were amputated, she still wouldn’t doubt Qin Qingyan’s love for her. Qin Qingyan would only love her even more.

It was just that she couldn’t get past herself. Pride was in her bones. No matter what Qin Qingyan became, she would willingly stay by her side. But if their positions were reversed and she became the one who couldn’t take care of herself, she would only want to drive Qin Qingyan away as far as possible.

She didn’t want anyone to see her in such a humiliating state.

The sweet fruit tasted bland in her mouth, emptied of flavor by her thoughts.

At night, Yan Yue lay staring at the ceiling, her mind full of tangled thoughts. When she heard the door open, she closed her eyes.

Qin Qingyan set down what she was holding and stood by Yan Yue’s hospital bed for a long time. Then she went into the bathroom. Not long after, she came back out, sat by the bed, and before long coughed several times.

Yan Yue’s chest felt blocked. She wanted to open her eyes and look at the lover beside her, yet she was also afraid she might catch her gaze at exactly the wrong moment.

She was afraid of so many things that even she no longer knew what, exactly, she was afraid of anymore.