But They Don’t Think I’m Good

It was Cen Qingqing’s death anniversary again. Su Yan brought flowers and the food Cen Qingqing had loved most in life, and went to pay her respects.

It was hard to imagine that a living person could rely on a tombstone to keep going. It was as if the only reason she was still alive was that she was afraid that, if she died, no one would visit Cen Qingqing anymore. Otherwise, Su Yan wasn’t really all that afraid of death.

“When Qingyan gets Best Actress, I’ll buy a place nearby and move in. I’ll come see you every day, so don’t get sick of me, okay?” Su Yan said with a smile at the name on the tombstone.

She leaned against the stone and looked up at the cloudless blue sky. “How strange. I used to only want to make a ton of money. Now that I have it, why do I still feel so empty?”

“You seem different from Qingyan and the others,” Su Yan said. She was willing to die for Cen Qingqing, but she couldn’t bring herself to live well for Qin Qingyan and the others.

But clearly, they were all friends, weren’t they?

“Maybe I shouldn’t rent a place after all. I’ll take you traveling around the world instead. We can climb mountains, go diving; skiing would be fun too. What do you think?” Su Yan looked at the tombstone.

There was no answer, of course. There never could be.

Her eyes lit up. “Heads means you agree; tails means you don’t.” She took out a coin and flipped it high into the air.

Under the sun, the coin flashed with light. After reaching its highest point, it spun down quickly. Su Yan caught it happily.

She opened her hand. It was heads.

Her phone suddenly rang. Seeing that it was Bai Ruo, Su Yan cleared her throat and answered, “What, you finally remembered to call this young lady? Rare, really rare.”

Whatever was said on the other end made Su Yan’s smile fade, replaced by concern.

She quickly arrived at the place Bai Ruo had mentioned. In the KTV private room, the table was covered in liquor bottles; two were already empty, and Bai Ruo was drinking the third.

Su Yan stepped forward and snatched it away. When Bai Ruo tried to grab it back, she blocked her with one hand.

“What’s wrong with you?” she asked. “Where’s Li Xian?”

Bai Ruo went quiet at once, then sat there with a wronged look. “I don’t want her to know.”

Su Yan put the bottle down and sat beside her, asking softly, “You two had a fight?”

Bai Ruo shook her head.

“Then I’ll call Li Xian to come pick you up.” Su Yan had just unlocked her phone when Bai Ruo snatched it away and shoved it under her clothes.

“No. Don’t tell her.” She was still drunk.

Su Yan looked at her with worry, then seemed to remember something and glanced over the table at the bottles. Fortunately, the alcohol wasn’t too strong; if she didn’t keep drinking, there probably wouldn’t be a big problem.

“Fine, fine, I won’t tell her,” she said, drawing a line across her mouth with her hand.

Bai Ruo narrowed her eyes and nodded in satisfaction, little by little.

Then she pouted like she was about to cry. “Su Yan, tell me... what kind of person am I?”

If it were any other time, Su Yan would have gone straight on the attack without mercy. Of course, a normal Bai Ruo would never ask her something like this.

She thought about it and said seriously, “You’re great. Beautiful, kind-hearted, generous, loyal, good-tempered, and sincere with people...”

“Am I really that good?” Bai Ruo grabbed her shoulders and asked.

“Really good. Extremely good.”

But Bai Ruo only got sadder. “If I’m this good, then why do they still hate me so much? Why do they still curse at me, just because I’m their daughter, just because I’m a woman?”

Su Yan was completely lost.

“Then it’s definitely their problem. You’re fine. Don’t listen to them,” Su Yan said.

“But if they don’t think I’m good, then I can’t be with A-Li properly anymore. I want to be with A-Li properly.”

This time Su Yan understood, but she still didn’t know how to help her; she didn’t even know what comforting words would be appropriate.

Bai Ruo cried herself out, talked herself out, and then lay drunkenly on the sofa, half asleep and half awake.

After thinking it over, Su Yan still called Li Xian. The other side picked up after a while.

“Li Xian, where are you now?” Su Yan asked.

“The hospital,” Li Xian said. “My mom had an episode. I’m here with her.”

Su Yan glanced at the fragile-looking Bai Ruo on the sofa. Now the problem had landed in her lap. On one side was her mother; on the other, her girlfriend. Should she tell Li Xian or not?

“Oh, nothing. I just wanted to ask where Bai Ruo is. I was looking for her to go shopping,” she said in the end.

She still didn’t say it.

First, Bai Ruo definitely wouldn’t want her going to find Li Xian. Second, if Li Xian were called over at a time like this and the Li family found out it was because of Bai Ruo again, that would probably only deepen their dislike of her.

“She should be at home. Is her phone not working?” the other side asked, sounding a little tense.

“No, no. I was going to call Bai Ruo, but I hit the wrong one. I figured it didn’t matter which of you two I called anyway,” Su Yan said with a laugh.

After hanging up, Su Yan let out a breath and sat beside Bai Ruo. Looking at the bottles covering the table, she opened one for herself and started drinking too.

Back in the ward, Li Xian gently closed the door; the mother on the hospital bed had woken up at some point.

“Mom...”

“Was it her who called you?” Li Xian’s mother asked.

“Can you stop always taking it out on A-Ruo? It wasn’t her who called. And even if it were her, what then?” Li Xian held back her temper.

“Hmph. My illness won’t get better, and I won’t die from it. If you want to go, then go.” Li Xian’s mother’s voice was cold.

A wave of helplessness swept through Li Xian. She sat down by the bedside, gripping the edge of the bed, feeling exhausted in body and mind.

Li Xian’s mother saw everything clearly. She felt sorry, but she had no other way. She could only harden her heart; no matter how far the two of them had gone, she had to pull them back.

Given enough time, everything would fade. By then, when Li Xian had her own family, a husband, and children, she would understand they had been doing it for her own good.

“Mom,” came the soft, weak voice. At that moment, Li Xian looked even more like the patient. “Are you and Dad thinking about me?”

Li Xian’s mother struggled for a moment, then said, “A-Li, have you ever thought about this? When you’re old, who’s going to take care of you? Two women are never meant to go far...”

“Is that so?” Li Xian’s tired eyes lifted toward her, a smile on her lips.

Li Xian’s mother was left speechless under that look.

Mother and daughter fell silent. Li Xian stared blankly out the window. She was tired.

On days when she had nothing to do, Qin Qingyan was bored out of her mind. Every day felt unbearably long. She would occasionally play games or watch variety shows, but her mind could never settle; she simply couldn’t focus.

Sometimes she went out for a walk, wandering around the streets. Those things only brought temporary relief. The moment she returned to the empty house, her chest felt clogged and heavy. She had never imagined she would miss someone this much, as if she were living only to wait.

As usual, Qin Qingyan went out to clear her head. She hadn’t gone far when she suddenly stopped. On the other side of the road, Zheng Jingteng gave her a raised-brow smile; it was obvious he had been waiting for quite a while.

The two of them sat on a park bench, one on each side. Some people noticed them and assumed they were a couple, but seeing how they didn’t look especially intimate, maybe they were just friends. No one recognized them.

“What’s your relationship with Yan Yue?” Zheng Jingteng asked, wearing black sunglasses.

Qin Qingyan heard the deeper meaning in his question and asked back, “You like Yan Yue?”

Zheng Jingteng said nothing, and Qin Qingyan understood.

She said, “Then I don’t get it. If you like Yan Yue, why are you involved with Yu Qingyan?”

“That’s my business. You only need to tell me what your relationship with Yan Yue is.” Zheng Jingteng sounded a little impatient.

“Why should I tell you? Wouldn’t it be more interesting to let you guess aimlessly?” Qin Qingyan said with a smile.

“You!” Zheng Jingteng forced down his anger. Then he gave a cold laugh. “Qin Qingyan, what people fear most is illusion; you think that because you can touch something, you can control it. You should really know your place.”

“Yes, and I’ll send the same words right back to you,” Qin Qingyan said, standing up. “As for what relationship Yan Yue and I have, haven’t you already guessed it?”

With that, she left without waiting for Zheng Jingteng to react.

Zheng Jingteng’s expression changed several times. Since Qin Qingyan refused to say anything, then he’d find out on his own. He stood up and left as well. From start to finish, no one noticed the person in the mascot costume not far away, secretly taking photos.

When he returned to the Xu Family villa, Xu Changlan was in the living room, smoking. Every movement she made carried a distinct, alluring grace. Hearing the sound, she glanced at Zheng Jingteng by the door and motioned for him to come over.

Zheng Jingteng walked obediently to the sofa. By chance, he caught sight of several photos on the table, but they were all turned face down, so he couldn’t tell what they showed.

“Where did you go today?” Xu Changlan asked lightly.

“Just went for a walk.” He was getting tired of this life. He had money, he had resources, but every day he was like a slave, at the mercy of this old woman’s orders.

“Went for a walk?” Her voice was very soft, but it carried a chilling edge.

“What, I don’t even have that little bit of freedom?” Zheng Jingteng shot back.

Xu Changlan smiled inscrutably and reached out to stroke his face. “You should know, what I’m interested in is this face of yours. But there’s no shortage of handsome men in the entertainment industry; I can change you out anytime.”

Zheng Jingteng clenched his fists and said nothing.

She laughed and patted his face. “We’ve been together for so many years. I can’t bear to let go, so explain yourself.”

She turned the photos over with her slender fingers. Zheng Jingteng took one look and realized they were from the scene of his daytime meeting with Qin Qingyan.

“You like her?” Xu Changlan said. “Young and pretty; she is indeed attractive.”

A thought suddenly flashed through Zheng Jingteng’s mind, and he hurriedly said, “No, no, I...”

Xu Changlan let out a cold laugh, then slapped him hard across the face.

“Panicking now? I was still wondering how you’d keep making excuses.”

Zheng Jingteng said nothing, then struggled to speak. “I’m begging you. Don’t hurt her.”

“Oh? You’re speaking up for her?” Xu Changlan’s voice turned frosty. “Then I’d like to meet her myself. There’s no reason for the body I’ve set my sights on to keep thinking about someone else.”

With that, she stood up and went upstairs.

Watching her back, Zheng Jingteng let out a cold snort and relaxed into the sofa, rubbing his burning cheek. If he ever got the chance, he would repay that slap twice over.

That night, Yan Yue’s video call came as usual.

At first it had only arrived at a certain time; now it was precise down to the minute. After two or three times, Qin Qingyan had noticed this little pattern. It had continued all the way to now.

So she had long since been waiting on the sofa, lying on her stomach with her phone pointed at herself. The moment the video call rang, she answered at once, and the first thing she saw was Yan Yue’s gentle smile. Just that alone made her feel as if she had already waited for half a century.

She felt as though her heart were about to melt.