Sleeping Alone, She Was Afraid

Yan Yue’s mind snapped back to the present. Qin Qingyan’s smug smile stirred a trace of irritation in her chest; it had only been a short while since they’d last seen each other, and yet her tricks for fooling people were getting more and more elaborate.

She moved in suddenly, resting both hands lightly on Qin Qingyan’s neck and pulling her a little closer. In an instant, the distance between them was only a hand’s breadth. Yan Yue’s gaze slid unabashedly from top to bottom and settled on her lips as she made a show of leaning in for a kiss.

The sudden treat left Qin Qingyan stunned. Realizing what Yan Yue was about to do, she hurriedly leaned in to meet her, afraid she’d be too late.

Just a centimeter or two short, Yan Yue finally smiled in satisfaction, turned her head, and let her lips brush past Qin Qingyan’s earlobe. Warm, soft, water-like.

Yan Yue, as if she knew nothing, let go, stretched lazily, and headed out while saying carelessly, “I’m sleepy. Time to go to bed.”

That left Qin Qingyan alone in the kitchen. She touched her lips, her heartbeat still not fully settled. That fleeting brush had suddenly made her realize that what she wanted now was far more than she had ever imagined before.

Staying over at Yan Yue’s place was no longer anything unusual. Su Yan thought it was normal, Qin Qingyan thought it was normal, and even Yan Yue had started to get used to it.

After washing up, Qin Qingyan dried her hair and finished everything briskly and efficiently, then, while Yan Yue was in the shower, hugged a pillow and slipped into her bedroom.

She carefully and seriously arranged the pillow, then subtly tucked it close to Yan Yue’s side. Sitting on the bedsheet, she let out a breath as if she’d completed some major task, then looked around.

Yan Yue’s bedroom was just like her: the colors were anything but lively, and every item was placed so neatly it looked as though it had been measured with a ruler.

Not long after, Yan Yue came out of the bathroom, rubbing her damp hair as she went looking for the hair dryer. She didn’t see Qin Qingyan in the living room; when she noticed the bedroom door was shut, the fact that it was so normal actually made it seem abnormal.

After checking again and confirming that Qin Qingyan really wasn’t in the living room, she assumed she had already gone to sleep.

The hair dryer was very quiet, and by the time its sound reached Yan Yue’s bedroom, there was almost nothing left to hear. Qin Qingyan, however, stayed tense, ears pricked, constantly paying attention to the sounds outside.

The noise stopped. Footsteps approached. She looked up, and Yan Yue, who hadn’t noticed her at first, visibly froze once she did. She glanced Qin Qingyan over from head to toe, then, after a brief hesitation, stepped closer.

She lifted the thin blanket and sat down, glancing at Qin Qingyan. Qin Qingyan was still sitting on the bed, completely exposed to the air. It wasn’t cold yet, and the air conditioner was keeping the temperature comfortable.

After Yan Yue came over, Qin Qingyan obediently scooted outward a little, careful not to press down on her blanket.

Her pounding heart told her she was nervous; it also told her she was looking forward to this.

When she was little, she had slept in the same bed as Jiang Ruoxin before. Children never cared about such things, and even now, thinking back on it, she still didn’t feel anything special. Later, when she met Su Yan and money was tight, the two of them had squeezed into one bed as well, and that had also felt perfectly normal.

But now, simply because the person was different, her heart had raced the moment she first saw this bed. Let alone now, when that person was only about a meter away.

“I’m afraid of sleeping alone,” she told Yan Yue with the excuse she had prepared long ago.

“You’ve never slept alone before?” Yan Yue asked, her disbelief obvious.

It was the kind of lie that didn’t even need to be exposed; it might as well have had the words I’m lying written all over it.

Yet Qin Qingyan actually nodded. “Here, this really is my first time sleeping alone.”

Yan Yue turned her head away and looked straight at the blank white wall, momentarily at a loss for words.

Qin Qingyan watched her expression. She didn’t seem very angry. She could wait a little longer. If it really didn’t work, she’d just go back to her own room; at least she’d made it onto the bed tonight. There was still hope for the future.

Yan Yue sat on the bed. After a long while, she looked toward the spot where Qin Qingyan was sitting. “Blanket.”

Qin Qingyan realized she was talking about how she was pressing down on the blanket, so she quickly moved back and handed it over to Yan Yue’s side.

Yan Yue suddenly laughed softly, her eyes full of helpless amusement.

“You don’t even use a blanket when you sleep?” she said.

Qin Qingyan was afraid she’d heard wrong, so she mentally went over Yan Yue’s words one by one. Once she confirmed it was exactly what she thought, uncontrollable laughter spilled from the corners of her mouth and eyes.

She slipped into the quilt in one smooth motion and boldly scooted closer. Yan Yue had just showered, and the faint fragrance of body wash still lingered on her. It was the same scent as the perfume she usually wore. Qin Qingyan would always surrender to that kind of fragrance.

A small warm lamp glowed by the bed. Yan Yue also grew awkward for a moment; with another person beside her, no matter who it was, she would never be completely used to it.

She picked up her phone and glanced at it. There was nothing that needed handling; after a quiet sigh, she set it back down.

“I have a question. I’m curious,” Qin Qingyan said, placing both hands outside the blanket and folding them over her chest.

“What is it?” Yan Yue was curious too.

“Your personality isn’t that rigid, so why don’t you put some decorations in the bedroom?”

“For example?”

Qin Qingyan thought about it seriously. “Like plants, stuffed animals, or hanging ornaments. Anything would do.”

Yan Yue answered just as seriously. “Plants would die. I don’t like stuffed animals, and I’m too lazy to choose hanging ornaments. Do you think the room feels too plain?”

“No. I just think the environment affects people’s moods to some extent. A little more color can’t hurt,” Qin Qingyan said.

When she didn’t hear a reply, she added, “Succulents are really easy to keep alive. And if you’re too lazy to choose hanging ornaments, you could print out photos worth remembering and put them up. It wouldn’t take much time.”

Yan Yue seemed to be thinking it over, or perhaps thinking about something else; she didn’t make a sound for a long time.

It was very quiet around them, and the atmosphere was peaceful and pleasant. At times like this, it was perfect for talking about personal things.

Qin Qingyan had so many things she wanted to ask, so many things she wanted to say. But when she really searched her mind for them, it was like looking for fog in fog; everything was there, and yet nothing was.

“Have we gone a long time without having a proper chat like this?” Qin Qingyan asked.

“We have.” Moments like this were rare; both of them had lowered their guard, opened their hearts, and completely trusted each other with everything they showed one another.

Qin Qingyan thought of something and turned toward Yan Yue. “I want to hear about you and Jiang Lan.”

Jiang Lan?

Yan Yue chuckled. “Didn’t someone say she wasn’t interested? If you’re not interested, why ask?”

“I just want to know more about you. I’m not as petty as you think.”

“Fine, fine. You’re generous. You’re the most generous of all,” Yan Yue said.

Qin Qingyan reached for Yan Yue’s hand and squeezed it with some force. “I’m not generous at all.”

After their joking and laughter faded, as she thought back on those years, Yan Yue’s smile dimmed. “Actually, there wasn’t much to it. Because it was something I liked in secret, no matter how earth-shattering it might have been, no one knew. She was very good to me, or rather, very caring. For the me back then, falling for her seemed like the most natural thing in the world.”

She went on to describe many more details. Qin Qingyan listened quietly, feeling unusually complicated inside. Jealous? Maybe three parts of it. The other seven were all kinds of emotions even she herself couldn’t clearly identify.

“What are you thinking about?” Yan Yue asked.

Qin Qingyan’s gaze flickered. “If I were Jiang Lan, that would be so much better. I’d get to meet you so much earlier, protect you, and be liked by you that much.”

She knew that now, Yan Yue’s feelings for her might be like what she once felt for Jiang Lan; they could be equal in weight, or even stronger than back then. But in the end, it was still different. That was Yan Yue’s first stirring of love, the one thing she had never been able to force or fight her way toward.

“Is that so? In that case, you might not even have a chance to be by my side now,” Yan Yue said with a smile.

“If I were Jiang Lan, then I definitely would.” Her tone was firm. “If I had no choice but to leave, I’d definitely tell you how I feel, and keep in touch with you all the time so no one else would have the chance.”

As Yan Yue listened, she imagined it for a moment. If Jiang Lan had really taken that step back then, confessed first, and then kept in touch constantly after going abroad, maybe there would have been an eighty percent chance that she and the present her would have ended up together.

“Jiang Lan and you wouldn’t have handled it the same way; later on, I ended up meeting you instead,” Yan Yue said. “So if you chose not to confess, maybe I would’ve met someone better?”

“So you’re saying I’m better than Jiang Lan?” Qin Qingyan laughed, then added, “The choice is always yours, but no matter who shows up, I’m confident you’d only see me.”

A plain statement, yet also the deepest kind of confession.

Yan Yue smiled softly and turned onto her side as well. The two of them looked at each other in silence; there was nothing more that needed saying.

Yan Yue moved a little closer, closed her eyes, and naturally reached for Qin Qingyan’s waist. Feeling her tense up, she patted her lightly. “Relax. Go to sleep.”

Qin Qingyan took a deep breath, then slowly let it out, trying her best to relax every part of her body. Then she mimicked Yan Yue and reached out an arm to hold her waist.

Her waist was soft and slender; Qin Qingyan didn’t dare use any force and kept her movements light. In a soft voice, she said, “Good night.”

Early the next morning, when Qin Qingyan woke up, Yan Yue was already out of bed. She rolled toward the other side, hugged the blanket, took a deep breath, then got up in satisfaction and drew back the curtains. Outside was bright and clear; such rare good weather made anyone feel better.

Yan Yue had already prepared breakfast. After Qin Qingyan finished washing up and changed clothes, the two of them sat down together and ate slowly.

A fried egg and a bowl of noodles; simple and satisfying.

Once she knew Yan Yue had made breakfast, Qin Qingyan had already guessed the combination would be something like this. If possible, she would gladly keep eating it forever.

They chatted as they ate. After finishing, Yan Yue had to hurry to the company, and Qin Qingyan watched her with reluctance. Yan Yue smiled and reached out to brush the stray strand of hair off Qin Qingyan’s face. “I’m heading out. You should work hard on your filming too, and earn money to support the family.”

She saw her to the door and watched Yan Yue step into the elevator. Only after the doors closed did Qin Qingyan wilt completely; she went back to the living room, collapsed softly onto the sofa, and sighed into a pillow.

Once this drama she was filming was finished, no matter what, she had to take at least a month off. Not being able to see each other all the time during the honeymoon / early-love phase was basically torture, an unbearable kind of suffering.

She buried her head in the cushion and muttered her complaints a few times, then instantly pulled herself together again.

She had to work hard on her acting and earn money to support the family!