What Exactly Are You Dissatisfied With?

In the end, Qin Qingyan got what she wanted.

Yan Yue stood at the sink, studying the bite mark on her neck in the mirror. The small patch of redness still hadn’t faded, and it hurt at the slightest touch. Qin Qingyan had grown more and more clingy, and bolder too; she kept testing the line, inch by inch, from hugs and hand-holding to pinning her down and restraining her.

At twenty, Qin Qingyan was two years older than she’d been back then. Her behavior and even some of her thoughts were much closer to an adult’s now. But she knew her limits and would never truly cross the line, so Yan Yue kept indulging her.

Looking at herself in the mirror, that patch of swelling was glaringly obvious no matter how she looked at it. Was she indulging her too much?

Qin Qingyan warmed a cup of milk. By the time Yan Yue finished drying her hair and came over, Qin Qingyan had eagerly set it out and pushed it toward her. Yan Yue glanced at the steaming milk, then at Qin Qingyan, who was watching her intently, and took a small sip.

The warm liquid slid down her throat, and she felt much more comfortable.

“Qin Qingyan,” Yan Yue said lightly after setting the cup down, “since we said we’d try to understand each other, let me ask you something. What exactly are you dissatisfied with about me?”

She had just looked it up online. Why do girlfriends bite people? There were plenty of ways to express intimacy and attachment; only dissatisfaction seemed to fit what she’d read most convincingly.

But Qin Qingyan usually told her directly if anything was on her mind. If she was unhappy, even if she didn’t say it outright, it would show one way or another. Biting her neck like this was a first.

Qin Qingyan had never imagined Yan Yue would jump so far off-track. To her, this was clearly something full of flirtation and feeling; how had the question turned into this the moment it was asked?

“I haven’t cheated on you, physically or mentally. As for my behavior, I’ve always kept my distance where I should. So what exactly are you dissatisfied with?” Yan Yue asked, genuinely unable to think of a reason.

“I’m not dissatisfied with anything. I like everything about you; I just like you too much...”

She liked her too much, so she wanted to go further. She couldn’t help wanting to close the distance by any means she could.

Qin Qingyan moved closer, tilted her head slightly, and leaned softly against Yan Yue’s shoulder. “Three more years. Three years is so long...”

Yan Yue gradually understood. Looking at the cup of hot milk on the coffee table, her voice gave nothing away. “If you want to leave, it’s still not too late. You can go anytime.”

Qin Qingyan’s gaze cooled. She fixed her eyes on the distinct red mark on Yan Yue’s neck. Damn it; now she wanted to bite her again. This time, she really was dissatisfied.

She knew Yan Yue still didn’t dare love her with complete abandon; there were still reservations there. But she still desperately wanted to know just how much Yan Yue loved her.

Yan Yue’s eyes were cold, complicated shadows stirring in their depths. Then suddenly, a figure crossed over and straddled her. Arms looped around her neck. In the midst of her sluggish reaction, Qin Qingyan let out a soft laugh and spoke.

“I think it feels long because I already have some thoughts about going further, but can’t act on them. But if the price of getting ahead of that is losing you, then I’d be willing to wait thirty years.” She was explaining herself.

The tension in Yan Yue’s eyes melted like ice and snow. She stared into Qin Qingyan’s eyes and said nothing, yet it seemed as if she had said everything.

“You just said that if I want to leave now, it’s still not too late. So can I take that to mean you’re almost ready to accept me completely?” Qin Qingyan asked suddenly.

Yan Yue looked away, pinched her waist, and pulled her down. Then she got up and left, her steps quick and a little unsteady. “It’s late. Go to sleep.”

She left in a hurry, and the person watching from behind couldn’t help but curve her eyes with a smile.

Before bed, Qin Qingyan wore the pajamas Yan Yue had thrown to her and paced back and forth in the room. Now and then she tilted her head up in thought; now and then she lowered her eyes, torn. Just how was she supposed to sleep with Yan Yue?

After living together for a year or two, she felt she could fight for this bit of福利.

At last, she made up her mind and knocked on Yan Yue’s door.

“What is it?” Yan Yue opened the door. She had changed into an off-white sleep set, and the room behind her was still lit.

Qin Qingyan said, “I accidentally spilled water on my bed just now. It got wet. Can I squeeze in with you for one night?”

She lied with perfect seriousness, her brows lightly drawn together, as if she felt apologetic for troubling Yan Yue because of it.

Yan Yue stared at her for a long moment. Then she came out, pulled the door shut, and went into Qin Qingyan’s room. On the pale gray bedsheet, dark wet patches were scattered everywhere.

To keep her from doubting, Qin Qingyan immediately added, “I was holding a cup of water and getting ready to drink it, but I tripped and spilled it on the bed.”

To make the scene look this authentic, she had indeed followed the whole process and spilled it for real, so she wasn’t afraid of scrutiny.

Who would have thought Yan Yue would turn and leave, yawning as she said, “The blanket isn’t wet. Make do with the sofa.”

Not long after she finished speaking, Qin Qingyan heard a crisp click of the door closing. She stood there helplessly for a moment, then looked at the blanket on the bed, picked it up, carried it to the sofa, and lay down on it with resignation.

In the middle of the night, there was only the ticking of the clock on the wall. Borrowing the light from outside, Yan Yue could make out the direction and walked toward the sofa.

Qin Qingyan was already asleep, legs bent, half her head buried in the blanket. Her sleeping posture was very obedient. Yan Yue helped pull the blanket down a little so it rested below her chin. Up close, she could hear her breathing clearly, even and steady.

She stood and watched for a long while. In the indistinct darkness, the emotions in her eyes gradually turned complicated. After a long time, she silently left.

Huanfeng Century arranged a variety show for Qin Qingyan. At first, she turned it down; as an actress, exposing herself too much was not a wise choice, and besides, she didn’t need a variety show to make people know who she was.

Later, when she heard that the filming location was by the sea, and that it was the same stretch of ocean where Su Yan had scattered Cen Qingqing’s ashes, she agreed. She would only appear as a special guest; one episode of recording, and that would be it.

The day before she left, she held Yan Yue tightly, breathing in the faint scent of the other woman’s hair. The sadness of parting in her heart had softened into something much calmer because of it.

“I can’t bear to leave you. I’ll miss you...” Qin Qingyan said, tightening her arms around her waist.

“Seven days will pass quickly. If you’re free at night, we can video call,” Yan Yue said.

Qin Qingyan gave a muffled reply. After a reluctant goodbye, she left.

Not long after she was gone, Yan Yue remembered something and opened her phone to confirm it again. Around noon, as agreed, she went to a restaurant. Once inside, she quickly spotted the person she was looking for, leaning by the window and idly tapping messages into her phone with one hand. Yan Yue walked over and sat down beside her.

“The usual?” Zou Yun asked with a raised brow and a smile.

Yan Yue smiled too. “Mm.”

She called over the server, and Zou Yun swiftly ordered the dishes.

Yan Yue looked at her for a long while. She hadn’t changed; even her temperament was still as unreliable as ever. That familiarity erased the four years standing between them.

“How long are you planning to stay this time, now that you’re back in the country?” Yan Yue asked.

“Half a year, probably. It’s been so long since I was back; I miss it a little.” Zou Yun twirled a lock of hair around her finger and glanced at Yan Yue, looking like she wanted to say something but was hesitating.

Yan Yue noticed, so she asked directly what was wrong.

“You know how us models and people in design still bump into each other sometimes,” Zou Yun said first, laying the groundwork. “When I came back, I saw Jiang Lan.”

She said it lightly, as if it were just a casual remark, but she was carefully watching Yan Yue’s reaction. There was none to be seen. Only Yan Yue herself knew that the moment she heard that name, something inside her seemed to go hollow.

“Ah, I heard you’re seeing an actress now, but I don’t believe you’ve forgotten her just like that. And Jiang Lan’s gotten more and more outstanding lately; there are countless people chasing her, and she’s turned them all down. So the chance is still there,” Zou Yun said.

Yan Yue listened to the end before saying slowly, “Even if you don’t like someone anymore, there’s only breaking up. There’s no cheating.”

“So what you’re saying is, you actually don’t like the one you’re seeing all that much?”

“I like her.”

“Of course, you like her. But back then, with Jiang Lan, you were completely all in. Whatever she liked, you did. That level was way beyond just liking someone.” Zou Yun’s tone carried meaning.

Her words struck Yan Yue at the core. She and Qin Qingyan had been officially together for a year or two now, and she had never once thought about taking things further. She had originally only felt that the other girl was six years younger, and used that as a reason to keep her and Qin Qingyan in a relationship that was half girlfriend, half friend.

But was all of this because, in the end... what she felt for Qin Qingyan was only simple liking?

“See? You’re hesitating too,” Zou Yun said, looking exactly as if this had been her expectation. “You’ve been carefully guarding her for almost two years, and you still never confessed back then. Now the two of you are both still hung up on each other, so why not try?”

Yan Yue caught the key word in her words. She could tell that wasn’t something Zou Yun had said casually. She gave Zou Yun the reaction she wanted and kept listening.

“Do you remember the bracelet you personally wove for Jiang Lan a long time ago? I saw it, and she’s still wearing it.” That was enough to prove that Jiang Lan had once held a special place in Yan Yue’s heart.

“I’m saying, since you both like each other, if this is mutual pining, then once it becomes real, it’s absolutely the kind of sweet romance people love to read. Anyway, you don’t seem to like that actress all that much yet,” Zou Yun said.

“Maybe it doesn’t count as deep love, but I like her very much right now, and I have faith in her.” Yan Yue looked into Zou Yun’s eyes. “As for Jiang Lan, she always knew I liked her.”

So when Jiang Lan went abroad back then, to Yan Yue it was no different from being abandoned; and she didn’t even have the right to ask why.

Zou Yun fell silent, then said, “Maybe there were other reasons. Jiang Lan isn’t the kind of person who toys with other people’s feelings. There might have been some misunderstanding between you.”

In the past few years overseas, she had spent more time with Jiang Lan and grown to appreciate her even more. Not only was she capable, she was also considerate and courteous in how she treated people. Zou Yun wanted Yan Yue to be happy. She had seen plenty of people pursue Yan Yue before; every one of them had a silver tongue, but in the end it was only Jiang Lan, the one who had never even said a word, that she was willing to acknowledge.

“Even if there really was some misunderstanding, it’s been so long now that it doesn’t matter anymore,” Yan Yue said with a smile.

She said that to Zou Yun, but she had also said those words to herself countless times before.

On the way back, Yan Yue thought about what Zou Yun had said, and then about everything that had happened between her and Jiang Lan in the past. Back then, just as Qin Qingyan had first met her, Jiang Lan had first met her too.

At sixteen or seventeen, she had no clear grasp of the future, and the Yan family restricted her life to the greatest extent possible. She had not yet fully grown her wings; she lived breathing under constant pressure.

Jiang Lan was a surprise in her life. She was confident and bold, yet gentle and polite. For Yan Yue back then, someone like that was no different from a ray of light piercing into a damp cellar; bright and warm.

She could understand Qin Qingyan so clearly precisely because she herself had once gone through some of the same things.